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The Truth Without Origin

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[06 Jul 2004|04:08pm]
crazymaxwell
[ mood | amused ]

When I was a barely-sentient larvae, there was one show I couldn't get enough of, despite my father's objections ("You don't need to watch that, it's disgusting."): Ren and Stimpy. That show ruled so much. It had everything a good cartoon needs: jokes that are actually funny, disgusting visuals, extreme weirdness, and cleverly subtle sexual humor (if you don't believe me, re-watch the episode where Stimpy 'milks the gorilla'). I can happily say that Ren and Stimpy severely warped my psyche. Not that it wasn't warped already, but it certainly helped.

And then, one cold, crisp morning, it was gone. No more Ren and Stimpy. Why, you might ask? Because Nickelodeon is run by fascists. Then they all but got rid of Rocko's Modern Life, too. What the hell is wrong with those people? Now we've got, what, The Angry Beavers? Catdog? Various boring game shows? Seriously, has anyone ever actually watched and enjoyed Guts? I really doubt it. That show was about as interesting as watching a high school P.E. class (in other words: not).

So, what's on TV now? We've got various boring sitcoms (Friends), infomercials ("FOR JUST, LIKE, 19.99, YOU CAN HAVE A FREE JAM WHISTLER"), bad cartoons (Doug), poorly-translated and/or uninteresting anime (OH BOY, GUNDAM), and we've got the news. Other than the news, it's all boring and the same. Except for Comedy Central, because Comedy Central is allowed to defy the laws of bad television for some weird reason. If there was some deal where I could pay a reduced price and just get Comedy Central, I'd do it, but seeing as I have to pay money AND have horrible things I don't want to see (The Bachelor) pumped directly into my television, I think I'll pass, thanks. The news not necessarily boring, but what it lacks in boredom it makes up for in stupidity. I'm not exactly interested in having people who are doing their very best to scare me (for whatever reason) relaying my news to me.

It's like if you were a small child and your older brother told you that mom and dad were having an argument, and tried to make it sound like it was about you when it was actually about the strange naked lady who mom found in daddy's closet. It was done to FREAK YOU OUT. It's just like that. They focus on and exaggerate the bad things. When it's a murder, they try to make you feel like you're next on the list to be clubbed. When it's an illness, they make it look like everyone in the country is at risk to have their body melt at any given second. And the war on terrorism? They're trying to make it look like there's a chance someone's going to run into McDonalds, yell, "Today we die for (miscellaneous middle-Eastern deity)!" and then blow themselves and everyone in the place up at any given time.

The terror alert meter is one of the single dumbest things I've ever seen anyone use any time, ever. There's never an 'elevated' chance of terrorist attack. It's ALWAYS THE SAME. ALWAYS. A terrorist can attack at absolutely any time. Do you think a group of Pakistanis are sitting in a hotel room, crowded around the television, waiting for the terror alert meter to hit red so they can go to work? No, they're not, they're going to attack whenever they can, shut up about your stupid terror alert meter, I hate you.
Cross-posted to my journal.

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[04 Jul 2004|09:20pm]
crazymaxwell
[ mood | WHY DOES JESUS MAKE ME SUFFER ]

From time to time, I listen to Japanese pop, which is full of bounciness, Japanese people, and, uh, more bounciness. It's like one of those bouncy balls that's about the size of a baseball and capable of knocking out your teeth if you throw it against the wall, only more bouncy. I do not know why I listen to Japanese pop; my educated and highly credible theory is Japanese mind control devices. Out of it all, Hello! Project stuff is by far the bounciest. So, the other day, I made the mistake of downloading someone's entire Hello! Project folder, along with which came some Coconuts Musume (an MPEG for the promotional video for Watashi Mo I Love You, if you must know), which I made the grievous, "God, no," very bad mistake of watching. It was like being pissed directly onto by a sonic hate gremlin of (bad) American influence. It was a physically painful experience, and I will most likely be peeing blood for a week or two.

Coconuts Musume are four teenage girls, two of whom aren't Japanese. NEW RULE, OKAY? In order to make Japanese pop, YOU MUST BE JAPANESE. Okay, so the band has one Japanese kid and one possibly-Japanese kid, but it's still got two caucasian kids, and caucasian kids are to J-pop as cayenne pepper is to Jello. The American influence is apparent in everything from the way they sing to the way they try to look and move like Brittany Spears or Christina Aguilera in their pre-pop-whore phases (with a sampling of glittery colorations that are reminiscent of Barbie's living arrangements). Amid these American influences lies an influence that's typically associated with the Japanese, which would be the donning of schoolgirl uniforms in a last-ditch attempt at being cute (which they're not), and the school bus in the background that says 'FUNDAMENTAL BAPTIST ACADEMY'. On the bright side of being a Baptist fundamentalist, none of them would ever produce or listen to something as mind-scrapingly bad as Coconuts Musume because they're too busy studying the Bible and persecuting men who like shopping at Merv's/other men.

Did I mention that they can't dance? Well, they can't. I hate them. I'm never going to recover from the trauma of seeing that vile thing. It was so vile that I couldn't even rant properly. I had to redraft this about three times to get it to its current quality. I wish I was going to be at my own funeral so I could go there and play Coconuts Musume just to piss me off.

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The Real World Is Vile [27 Jun 2004|07:10pm]
crazymaxwell
[ mood | amused ]

There are many things that are stupid in this world. A lot of them are television shows, a lot of which are on MTV, and a lot of which begin with "The," end with "Real World," and rhyme with "The Real World." Watching the Real World is great. This show was apparently designed by MTV executives crowded together in a smoke-filled room with the sole purpose of pissing me off in mind, and it's working really well. The Real World is even more irritating than Counterstrike fans.

It's apparently supposed to be a microcosm of the Real World. Apparently, the Real World consists of three groups of people, which are ugly people, stupid people, and ugly stupid people. Those three groups of people only partake in three basic activities, which are yelling, having sex, getting drunk, and five more complex activities, which are yelling while drunk, yelling while having sex, having sex while drunk, yelling about having sex, and, by far the most complex, yelling about having sex while drunk.

So where does MTV find these people, you might ask? Probably in the crowds that gather in front of Total Request Live. There's plenty of stupid to go around among those crowds, given the tremendous drawing power bad music has on idiots. Watching TRL on TV is bad enough to lower your IQ twenty points for a few days, but seeing it in person can cause permanent brain damage, especially if you're there willingly.

MTV only plays bad music, just like the radio. I hate the radio almost as much as I hate MTV. You can't turn it on without hearing Christina Aguilera's most recent desperate cry for attention, Good Charlotte pretending to be anarchists or whatever's 'in' now, or Evanescence's Amy Lee crying about how her million dollars beat her up and cheated on her. Not only is it bad music, but it's bad music with occasional advertising breaks. I should place advertising breaks in the middle of my writings. And so, in closing, here's a word from our sponsors.

Do you wish you were cool? Do you wish you had friends? Well, you won't be either of those things until you buy a cordless jellyfish tickler. Cordless jellyfish ticklers, made with the finest materials, are cordless, and they tickle jellyfish. Buy one. Now.

Cross-posted to my journal.

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[22 Jun 2009|11:18am]

ex_spinne93
to begin with, I'm not saying any of this out of any kind of ridiculous prejudice. these are just my observations garnered from the year in which I've been working at Michaels, sadly enough.

has any other white person with a job noticed that black people don't really like you? I'm just as nice to black people as white people or Asian people or Hispanic people or anybody else. I try to be equally friendly, equally polite, and equally helpful (which sounds corny, I know). I don't consider race to be a distinguishing characteristic any more than I consider gender to be, but it seems that other people do -- and while some black customers return my friendliness and such, a lot of them, well, don't. they can be gruff and impolite, and sometimes they won't speak to me at all, even just to say "thank you" or to tell me that they'll be paying credit instead of debit. other times, if I tell them that something they thought was on sale was not, or something along those lines, they get really upset with me, more than would be appropriate.

and this is clearly a touchy subject, but has anyone else noticed this? again, I'm not at all pointing the finger at ALL BLACK PEOPLE or anything like that, because I have nothing against any kind of person. but it always makes me feel kind of shitty, that black people seem to have something against me for no apparent reason.
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